


Living Alone, Dying Alone

by Alexithymiac



Category: Daybreak (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:55:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27637834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexithymiac/pseuds/Alexithymiac
Summary: Sitting on the roof, alone, Eli found himself sobbing. Staring down at the ground below, alone, he found himself wondering why he didn't just jump.
Relationships: Eli Cardashyan & Josh Wheeler, Eli Cardashyan & Wesley Fists, Eli Cardashyan & Wesley Fists & Angelica Green & Josh Wheeler, Eli Cardashyan/Josh Wheeler, Ms. Crumble | The Witch & Angelica Green
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is really sad, I may be self projecting here who knows.

If Eli Cardashyan had to pick a word to describe himself, it wouldn't be a good one. He had a few options off the top of his head; annoying, burden, problematic, needless to say he didn't like himself. He knew if he were to tell anyone this it would seem like attention seeking. He didn't want to bother anyone more than he already did, so he let it fester and bubble up in his mind until late at night, where he could cry about it privately. 

A year and a half into the apocalypse and he's 18, still living in the mall with Angelica, Wesley, Josh, and all the other mall kids. He spent almost every day on the roof, smoking and watching ghoulies from above, occasionally shooting some in the head with his crossbow for sport. No one cared enough to look for him, and he doubted anyone even noticed his absence, and if they did, they didn't care. 

He wasn't planning on staying much longer, it may have been his mall once, but now he wasn't wanted here, and he wasn't going to stay somewhere he was unwelcome. Whether he lived or died didn't matter to him anymore. He had narrowly avoided death before, but he was beginning to think that he should've died, or maybe he should've never been born. 

He'd been nothing more than a burden to his parents, they'd said it themselves on multiple occasions. To this day he will never know if his parents ever actually loved him, he doesn't think so. They never told him whether or not they planned for him. Maybe he really was just a mistake. 

Sitting on the roof, alone, Eli found himself sobbing. Staring down at the ground below, alone, he found himself wondering why he didn't just jump. 

His blue eyes widened as the thought crossed his mind, and he scrambled back from the ledge with a panicked breath. 

_He wanted to. He wanted to jump, and it scared him._

He threaded his fingers through his dark brown curls, which he stopped caring enough to style, leaving them dull. Everything about him seemed to be dull nowadays. Eli sucked air in through his teeth, his breath hitching as he forced himself to stand. He weighed his options, the pros and cons of each outcome, and before he knew it he was standing on the edge, staring at the ground again, but this time to imagine himself splattered atop the concrete. The ghoulies would have a nice meal, then he'd be useful for once in his life.

Nothing mattered anymore. His feelings for Josh, his longing to be a friend to Wesley, how he saw Angelica as a little sibling of sorts. 

It didn't matter. 

Nothing mattered.

_He_ didn't matter. 

Knowing it would be the last thing he'd ever say, he whispered his final goodbye. 

"I'm sorry."

With one last watery smile, he jumped.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't supposed to go like this, dammit! He should be dead, long dead, if there was any kind of god out there, they seemed to hate his guts. 
> 
> "Eli! What the fuck! What the fuck!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm speed writing this shit
> 
> Also this is platonic wes/eli just very affectionate bc that's the best kind of friendship 🥺 👉👈

A loud yell rang through the air, mutated crows flying from trees in terrified flocks. Eli choked, feeling the collar of his shirt snag against his throat as he was abruptly yanked backwards. He tumbled across the roof, scraping his forearm but not finding it in him enough to care about the sharp pain. 

He pushed up against the concrete, eyebrows furrowing together tightly as he pressed his palms into his eyes. 

It wasn't supposed to go like this, dammit! He should be dead, long dead, if there was any kind of god out there, they seemed to hate his guts. 

" _Eli! What the fuck! What the fuck!"_

Eli choked on air as he heard the familiar tone, Wesley. 

He shook his head hard, a harsh sob pushing past his lips, breaking the dam and releasing everything he'd been holding back. His body wracking with the force of his crying as his tears pushed past his palms, still firmly pressed to his eyes. 

"No- nonono-" 

Hands gently wrapped around his wrist, pulling his hands away from his face as he continued to shake his head. 

"Eli-" 

"Don't! Just don't say anything. . . Please I know, I know you're mad I know- I'm sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't just-"

He cut himself off with a stuttering inhale, tangling his hands in his hair. 

"Eli, I'm not mad at you, look at me."

He shook his head harder, his heart pounding in his chest. He's lying, he's lying, he's mad.

_"Please_ , Eli."

Wesleys voice cracked, and that was enough for Eli to look up at him, his cheeks a blotchy red, streaked with his tears. 

He was crying too. 

Why? What on earth could he be upset about? Why wasn't he mad, or at least why did he stop him?

"Why did you try to. . ."

He didn't need to finish, it was obvious where he was going. 

Eli forced out a dry laugh, though nothing about the situation was amusing. 

"Why did you stop me?"

Wesley looked taken aback, which confused Eli to no end. It was a fair question, at least he thought so.

"Because I'm not just gonna let you kill yourself Eli! I'm not a fucking monster! What would you have expected me to do?! Just watch you fall? To just _let you die?_ Why the fuck would I do that Eli?!"

Eli flinched, his air catching in his throat as more hot tears welled up in his eyes. 

"I just- I-" 

He couldn't speak, it was too much, everything was too much. He violently wiped his eyes with the back of his hands, his breath stuttering harshly with each inhale. 

Wesley bit his lip, his gaze softening. He reached forward, pulling Eli's hands out of his hair and grasping them in his own. 

"I'm sorry." 

He blinked away his own tears, his vision misting. 

"I'm sorry I didn't notice you were feeling like this, I'm sorry that we didn't pay enough attention to you and your emotions. It got so bad you just tried to jump and none of us even knew anything was wrong. We should've paid more attention, we should've been there for you but we weren't, I wasn't." 

Eli squeezed Wes' hands, staring down at them as he processed his words.

"You-. . . You shouldn't have had to do anything though, it's not your job to look after me."

He sniffled, swallowing thickly as he forced himself to continue against the rapid pounding of his heart.

"None of you even like me, and you have good reasoning for that. It's not your fault I'm insufferable."

He chuckled lightly, obviously fake, but it couldn't be helped. He didn't want to make Wesley feel bad, he didn't deserve to, Eli deserved this, he deserved to be alone and he deserved to be sad-

"Stop it, stop that right now."

Wesley pulled one hand from the smaller boy's, making Eli look at him properly.

"Eli I know where your head is going right now and it's not true. Please talk to me, please." He begged.

Eli trembled, looking for any hint of a lie, and when he could find none he sobbed again. It broke Wesley's heart.

"I can't do it anymore, Wes- I'm so tired of hating myself, I'm tired of trying only to change nothing- I want to matter- I want someone to fucking care about me for once in my life but- I just- it hurts so bad, I can't take it, I just can't."

Wesley leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Eli and letting the smaller burrey his head in his shoulder, his tears quickly wetting his shirt but he couldn't care less. 

They should've known, should've seen the change, they should've been helping him, not making it worse for him, not making him feel worthless. Wesley pressed his face into Eli's hair, hugging him tightly. 

He was safe. He was here, he was alive, and he was safe. 

"I'm here, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, it's okay, you're going to be okay." 

He quickly found himself crying again too, dampening a section of the shorter's curls. 

Neither of them knew how long they stayed like that, sat on the roof wrapped around each other, Wesley rubbing comforting circles into Eli's back. 

It wasn't until Eli's body went limp in Wesley's hold that he knew he had calmed, threading his fingers through the sleeping boy's hair.

_"I'm not going anywhere."_ He repeated.

He moved to lay down, letting Eli's head rest on his chest as he wrapped his arms around him. He would make sure Eli knew he was cared for, he was determined.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After about two consecutive hours of smoking together, Eli and Wesley were decently baked, asking each other random questions while Eli doodled in a notebook. Stupid things like; If you could be any animal what would you be? Or; What's your dream bong? Things they usually already knew the answer to, but were curious to anyway, why they asked what they already knew was beyond them, they were just satisfied talking about anything at this point. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having fun with this

For the next two months Wesley was stuck to Eli like glue, which definitely caught the attention of most people there, even the more antisocial kids would peek from their areas to try and understand why they were suddenly together. It confused even Eli, he knew Wesley was a good person, but he really hadn't expected him to stick around, though he definitely appreciated the company. 

Shortly after Sam had taken over the Jocks, and they had found Eli alive, they had all returned to the mall and cut off specific stores into room-like areas for each kid who inhabited the mall. Eli currently found himself in his own, with Wesley beside him, passing a bong back and forth while quietly playing some music. He was actually having a lot of fun, and he found himself happier than he'd been in years. They had previously talked about what had happened that evening, about what had led up to it and why Eli thought it was a good idea. He had made him promise not to do it, to not even go up to the roof without him, Josh, or Angelica. Made him promise to come to him if he ever felt like that again, or even if he just needed to talk. Eli had no intention of asking the other two, still unconvinced they didn't hate him, but for Wesley's sake he only agreed. 

But in these last two months, Eli had improved amazingly. Wesley had said it millions of times while repeating how proud of him he was.

Eli would never say it out loud, but the first time he said that, he bursted into tears. 

_"I can't remember the last time someone said that to me."_ He had said. Since then he made a point to say it as much as he could. Any chance he got he made sure to re-afirm how amazed he was with Eli's progress. They had hung together every day since the incident, growing closer and closer, even if it took a while for Eli to admit so to himself. He found himself also being able to call Turbo a friend, him being Wesley's boyfriend and all. It had taken a while, considering the past bullying and recent murder streak, but Turbo had also made a lot of progress since last year, and they had a lot more in common than they previously would've admitted. 

After about two consecutive hours of smoking together, Eli and Wesley were decently baked, asking each other random questions while Eli doodled in a notebook. Stupid things like; If you could be any animal what would you be? Or; What's your dream bong? Things they usually already knew the answer to, but were curious to anyway, why they asked what they already knew was beyond them, they were just satisfied talking about anything at this point. 

"So, Eli. I got a _real_ question for you."

Eli snorted, raising an eyebrow. 

"So the other questions weren't real? What the fuck does that even mean?"

Wesley laughed, loud and unique, almost dropping his blunt in the process. 

"Okay, okay, but for real. I can tell you've been acting different around Josh. Were you not gonna tell me what's up?"

Eli bit his lip anxiously, forcing himself to focus more on his drawing. 

"That's bullshit, I act the same as I always do. I don't give a shit about that prick, he could get munched on by ghoulies for all I care."

Wesley just looked at him, all too knowing.

"Eli, my gaydar is more accurate than an Owl's vision. You can't lie to me about that shit, man."

Eli huffed, rolling his eyes in distaste for the other's ability to read him.

"Wes, just leave it, it doesn't matter anyway. I just want to let it pass, don't egg me on."

We frowned at that, sitting up and looking at Eli dead on. 

"But why? I mean this could be good for both of you. And It's about damn time he found someone new."

Eli laughed a bit at that, shaking his head and averting his eyes. 

"That's where you're wrong. Yeah he may need to find someone new to fawn over like some god damn princess, but I'm not a fuckin' damsel in distress."

"I think he's already learned that lesson Eli-"

Eli cut him off quickly, not willing to give the other time to persuade him, which Wesley was painfully good at. 

"Look- that's not the point! He's not gay, and he doesn't even want anything to do with me. Plus I doubt he's ever gonna get over miss perfect."

Eli tossed the notebook filled with useless scribbles and chicken scratch writing, frustration radiating off of him. The taller boy slung an arm around Eli, tossing his hair around in the process.

"Woah Eli, chill. I'm not saying you have to do anything about it. I'm just saying don't cross if off, kay? Nothing's impossible. And I don't want to see you relapse, you've been doing so well. Forcing yourself to get over it and invalidating your feelings can set you back. I don't wanna see that man."

Eli sighed, turning to look at the other, and damn him Wesley had been trying so hard for Eli's sake, the least he could do is try for Wesley's.

"Okay, I'll _think_ about maybe talking to him more." 

Wes smiled wide, and Eli couldn't help but smile back. 

"I'm glad to hear it, since it's ghoulie watch today and me, you, Turbo and Josh are on duty."

Eli rolled his eyes, leaning into his friend some. 

"Why do I feel like you set this up?"

"Because I totally did."

____

After the two had sobered up, they met up with Josh and Turbo, grabbing their weapons and heading out to patrol their borders. Eli and Turbo were silent, one of them having an excuse while the other just didn't know how to contribute to the conversation without being a jackass. 

"Josh I still don't know how you manage to ride that board comfortably with a sword on your person, like fuck running with scissors you're skating with a motherfucking katana. Your preschool teacher would be pissed."

Wesley was clearly berating Josh for his lack of safety skills, but then again the dumb fuck cut off his own finger, so Eli wasn't sure what Wesley thought he was going to change. Nonetheless it was amusing. 

"Hey screw you man, just cause you can't board like me doesn't mean you can diss my sweet multitasking skills."

"Multi- What multitasking skills?!"

Eli chuckled lightly, and so did Turbo, both of them finding amusement in the conversation before them. 

They shared a glance and both of them seemed to increase their laughter, drawing attention from the culprits of the laughing fit and pausing the amusing conversation. 

"What's so funny?"

They both asked in unison, which only seemed to make the situation funnier to the two. 

Eli managed to calm to occasional giggles and hitched breaths, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Sorry, sorry, it's just watching you two argue about something so dumb was so fuckin' funny."

Turbo nodded in agreement, taking a moment to catch his breath. 

Wesley smirked at Eli, and that's when he knew Wesley had more set up than just the ghoulies watch arrangements. 

"Oh really? Well if we're oh so hilarious why not make em laugh some more? Josh?"

Josh nodded at Wesley, coming to a silent agreement. The two had a devilish look in their eyes, and both Eli and Turbo began to back up while the other two crept up to them. 

"Naw, naw, fuck you, you touch me and I swear on my abuelita's grave you'll be down there with her-"

"I'll take Turbo, you take Tiny over there."

"I'll make sure to say hi for you then, Eli."

They broke out in a sprint, the other two's eyes widening in horror. 

"Oh _FUCK NO_ \--- Turbo run!"

Then the chase began, Eli and Turbo running from their newfound attackers, knowing all too well what they were trying to do. 

"Turbo! You can't run from me big boy! I know your tickle spots and you know damn well I'll use em!"

Turbo ran fast, but Wesley's smaller frame gave way for him to break through the wind, and he found himself quickly tackling his boyfriend to the ground in a fit of laughter, diving his fingers into the others armpits and neck. 

Eli was fast, but sports had never been his thing, he was losing stamina fast, but he sure as hell wasn't going to give up, he'd fight this through till he couldn't anymore. He'd kill Wesley for this later, but right now he was having too much fun to be angry.

"C'mon Eli! You can't run forever!"

Eli hopped the hood of a car, waiting for Josh to do the same before booking it around and gaining some space between him and the taller male. 

"Fuck you Wheeler! I can damn well try!"

"You little shit!" 

Eli shrieked as Josh just barely missed grabbing his shirt, spinning out and turning the other direction, yet again gaining some leverage.

Wesley had reduced Turbo into a fit of wheezes, still not showing any mercy, but keeping a watchful eye both on the other two as well as possible ghoulies.

"Come on Josh you can get em! He's losing speed! Go, go, go!"

Finally, Josh jumped on his board, giving himself that slight bit of extra speed he needed to catch up to the smaller boy, leaping from his board and tackling Eli into the nearby grass. Eli yelped as he was suddenly pinned, squirming violently as he yelled to Turbo for help.

"Gotcha, fucker!"

With that, Josh's fingers found their way to Eli's sides, gaining him loud screaming laughter as Eli thrashed, pushing his hands away only to have them be replaced at the backs of his knees. 

"Yeah! You go Wheeler! That'll teach em not to laugh at us!"

_"Fuck you! You were funny!"_

Eli wheezed out his words in between fits of laughter, only encouraging Josh to tickle him more. 

Finally, after 15 straight minutes of torture, the two finally stopped, leaving Eli and Turbo to catch their breaths as Josh and Wesley high-fived

Once they could breathe again they went to gather with their attackers.

"You two are such dicks." 

Turbo grunted, flipping the two off, though all four were grinning ear to ear. 

"Well, even though we totally didn't do what we were supposed to,"

Josh laughed. 

"I think if there were any ghoulies around Eli's shrieks of terror would've sent them running."

"Shut the fuck up!"

Eli punched him in the arm, still smiling against his will. 

Maybe Wesley knew what he was talking about, and maybe Wesley knew him better than he'd like to admit. Maybe, just maybe, he'd try a little harder to talk to Josh. 


End file.
